The Voices In My Head....

yes, that is plural--voices....i've been hearing voices in my head over the past few days, which is why i haven't slept much....maybe i am really going crazy (this is where my family and friends jump in with--"you're just now figuring this out"?) in any case, they've calmed down for the moment and are no longer screaming.


to catch you up on the drama that is my life, i went to my niece's end of the year program friday night. i could tell that she was nervous because she wasn't as animated as she usually is, but all went well. despite the fact that she had been on the principal's honor roll each grading period, she did not get an academic award. instead, she received something i think is so much "more better" as she would say...she received the christian servant's heart award for her first grade class! she is very loving and truly cares about what people think and want....a trait that many of us lose as we become jaded through life. hopefully her heart will continue to care despite the evil in life. after her awards program--it ended at 9:30 pm (hello--past everyone's bedtime!)--we drove back to my apartment for our "girl's night out." it wasn't much of a party since we were both zonked, but we did try to watch the little mermaid before we both travelled to dream land for the evening.


the next day we were scheduled to meet my mom at innisbrook so that we could all go swimming in their cool pool called the loch ness. that trip was an adventure in itself. i used google to get directions--although the directions are for the soon to be opened roads--so it took us roughly 2 hours to get there from where i live. (I could have gone to disney and back during that time.) we finally arrived around 2 pm, at which time we promptly changed and drove to the loch ness pool. it was very hot, and very crowded. thankfully these really nice girls gave up their chairs for us to use, otherwise i would have had to sit on the concrete--not cool--especially since i hate the outdoors. in any case, my mom and i tag-teamed my niece in the pool until my dad called and said that his conference was over for the day and that we were going to a bbq on sunset beach. we rushed back to the room, showered and were ready to go in the time it took my dad to get back to their room. of course, things are never easy, and being the typical man, he didn't really get directions, so we went to howard park instead of sunset beach since that was where he was told to go. basically, we took the scenic route and finally arrived at sunset beach after several phone calls to guide us. the food was great and i met a lot of the people that my dad talks about with work. we even stayed to catch the sunset...






..after the beautiful sunset we high-tailed it out of there and went to wendy's for chocolate frosties and then back to the room. despite the fact i was supposed to "return" my niece to my sister, we decided to stay the night since we were zonked--again. early the next morning, we hit the pools one last time and then flew to her house so that i could get back to mine in time to go shopping for "interview" clothes.

if you know anything about me, you know that i absolutely HATE shopping for clothes. i'm the ideal candidate for what not to wear because i can usually be found in jeans, a t-shirt, and my birks....yep, even at work. so, i begged my friend april to take me shopping since she actually has a clue and looks fabulous always. i didn't realize that shopping was actually a sport...she could have warned me, but i think she was afraid i'd run for it. we managed to find some fabulous outfits and 5 HOURS LATER left for home--in time for me to clean my apt., type up my resume, groom my toes for the cute shoes we found, and get my apt. ready for the floors to be cleaned the next day.

april and i discussed my job interview at length while shopping and i came to the realization--after much praying that now isn't really the time for me to try college-that i have my fingers and toes in too many pots and i have nothing left to stir with--hence that "still, small voice" that i had been trying to ignore. it was sunday evening, and a little late to try and cancel my interview, so i decided that i would go in and use it as a fact-finding mission.

scary music should be playing at this point.....after praying the 37 miles/45 minutes to the college, i asked the Lord that if it was not His will for me to have this job, to let me know within the first 5 minutes--something to the effect--"you're not qualified for this job." believe it or not, within 5 minutes, those words were actually uttered. at this point i should be heading towards the door and making a graceful exit, right? well, i decided to continue listening to the interviewer--i hate to disappoint people-- and managed to ask to teach one class even with all of the exceptions that would have to be made (mainly that i would have to get 18 credit hours in english graduate credits....i have a master's degree and none of my credits were in english, so i wasn't qualified)--me and my BIG mouth. the interviewer agreed to go to the dean of the school and ask for special permission for me to teach some classes in the evenings until i can get my graduate hours completed, or maybe just for the fall semester--depending on how things work out. that's when the small voice became a loud booming voice that kept multiplying and has been driving me crazy ever since.

so i finally get out of the interview and head back to my friend's office on campus to recap and go to lunch. as it turns out, we end up going to lunch the secretary of the person i just interviewed with--what a small world--because they're friends. i absolutely adore this new friend and hope we can keep in contact. so, we eat lunch at this great little tea shop in dade city and i finally leave to go home. (ok--i made a quick stop at my grandma's house and then i went home.)

after re-hashing the interview story many times, i am still struggling with how to crawl out of the mountain that had been created. i tried to sleep monday night, but it was pretty fitful because of the voice that was yelling about how i never listen. on tuesday, i finally worked up enough courage to tell her that the timing is just not right and i find out that she's in a meeting with the dean. (talk about quicksand.) i wasn't able to get through to her by phone, so i finally decided this morning (after another fitful night) that since she probably wouldn't be in today that maybe i should email her instead--maybe that would be faster since i can't get ahold of her by phone...right? well, i haven't received a response yet, but i imagine it's gonna be ugly--especially since she went to bat for me with the dean. my name will by mud forever with her--all because i didn't listen to the voices in my head.

i must admit though, even though i'm not sure if she received the email or not, i do feel better just by having sent the email. i'm at peace with this decision, and the voices have quieted down as well. i may not be great at listening to and following God's voice, but i am getting a little bit better...i think.

it reminds me a bit of the song something beautiful by the newsboys. check out their myspace page to listen to their song and you'll know what i mean....