Sunday, August 26, 2007

My "Relaxing" Weekend

I was supposed to use this weekend to relax so that I would have enough energy to deal with the children tomorrow. (Yes, I'm going back for more...call me a glutton for punishment...) Unfortunately, relaxing wasn't exactly what I managed to accomplish.

Since my dryer decided to try and catch fire several weeks ago, I FINALLY left a message at the repair shop on Friday afternoon. Brian Johnson returned my call that same evening and said that he could be here early Saturday morning! (At first I was a little bummed because I had planned on sleeping until noon, but hey...I could always take a nap--especially if it meant my dryer was fixed!)

So, I spent Friday evening cleaning my apartment since it looked like a hurricane had come through--without the water damage! I put away my clothes that had finally air-dried, cleaned the bathroom (in case he needed to use it), swept and vacuumed the shoebox, and picked up what I could. I promptly fell asleep on Madison's new scratching post BEFORE 8pm. (So much for a wild Friday night!)

Saturday, I woke up early so that I would have time to make my bed, eat, take a shower, and do all of my morning things before he arrived between 8am and 9 am. I was SOOOO tired! (Thankfully my dryer is now fixed and I can have clean AND dry sheets, as well as underwear whenever I feel like it!!!!)

After he left, I decided to start getting things ready for the HUGE garage sale I'm having next week at my parents' house. I only made it through part of my scrapbooking things before my Mom called and wanted to know if I wanted to go out to eat for my birthday on Saturday or Sunday? (So much for my nap!) I decided that Saturday would be better, and I took some of the boxes down to my car to take to their house. We met at Olive Garden where we had dinner. My niece was there too....


Here are our "Monkey Faces"....


In any case, it was monsooning again as I drove home, so I finally made it up the stairs, changed into my PJs and was in bed again around 8:30 pm.

Today I decided to go to church "online." I stayed in my PJs until noon and I surfed the web where I decided to join another reading challenge. Yes, I know that I said I didn't like to join challenges because of the lists that I feel like I have to stick to, but this one's different...





There are no lists, I just read any book I feel like, whenever I get the urge. I LOVE this challenge because it lets me off of the hook. I have tons of books just sitting on the shelf that I want to read, but I haven't because I try to get everything else read that I have to read because of work. Here's my out! Yippee!!!! If you want to join, click here to sign up.

I've also been going through things today for the garage sale. I'm scared that I'm not going to have everything ready in time. The hardest part is that I have SO much stuff that I don't know if I'll be able to get it all over there in time. I also have some furniture that I have to figure out how to get there. I'm hoping that my Dad will bring his truck over so that we can move it that way. It's really only a table and a small cabinet that I'd been keeping my DVD's in, so it's not a lot, but I can't get them down the stairs on my own.

I also need to continue to rearrange the shoebox so that Madison's new scratching post will fit in better. After cleaning out one of the corner's from all of the craft stuff, I actually feel like I can breathe a little better. It's true about clutter--you have to get rid of it so that you can truly be free!

I need to get things ready to go back to work tomorrow, so I'll sign off now. Until next time...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Happy Birthday....

to ME!!!

Yep--it's my birthday today!

So what did I do for my special day?



I worked...go figure.


Oh well...I'll make the most of it this weekend!

(If we share a birthday, Happy Birthday to you too!)

Monday, August 20, 2007

I SURVIVED (the first day of school)...

barely. Our air conditioning was out--in Florida. On the second floor. With hundreds of bodies piled in the library. Did I mention in Florida? Oh--they we had all of the wonderful parents....they are just so polite and helpful, and NEVER complain when they have to wait or come back with the correct paperwork the next day because they chose to register their child on the first day of school even though the school is open all summer for registration...NOT!

I'm glad that I was able to stand along the sidelines and help where needed rather than stand on the front-line because I probably would have been fired for slapping someone because they were rude (let's just say I learned some new profane words today) to me or someone else.--No wonder students today are so disrespectful--it's because their parents are no better.

HINT FOR ALL PARENTS: NEVER speak ill about any other adult around your child--even if you dislike that person! YOUR child learns HIS/HER behaviors, actions, and attitudes from YOU! Be the ADULT in the situation and show them that you CAN use your brains and YOUR manners because THEY will take you farther than rudeness and obnoxiousness will! (Otherwise, I may come off of the sidelines and smack you over the head with my newspaper like I used to do with my students! They learned!)

Yep--I worked with the kids today, which was perfectly fine with me. Many of them were happy to see me, some not so happy (see newspaper remark), but ALL were polite and respectful (except for DC, but she and I worked it out)--despite having to run to different rooms across campus in the sweltering Florida heat and humidity, until we figured out whose homeroom they were in!

Yep--that's why I'm there--the "children." Even though they drive me bananas most days, most of the time they make me laugh at their complete craziness. It makes me feel young (sometimes) to be able to "hang with my peeps" who so badly need someone to listen and understand them. Despite the fact they think they're old enough to make decisions for themselves, they still want approval--even if they don't admit it.

Yep--my goal is to be a shining light for them. Although they are respectful when I bring up God, I can tell that some shut-down inside but are ever watchful of me. It's tough having to be firm with them, while letting them know I'm on their side and that they can trust me. There are many "secrets" I've been told, and some confidences I've had to break to bring help to those kids, but I still try to remember that I have their best interests at heart and if that's the way God wants me to show His love, then I'm there.

Yep--I think this will be a great year. Despite the lack of air, the rude and obnoxious parents, inconsistent administration--several of whom need to leave or retire, crazy teachers, and even crazier students. I just feel it in my heart that BIG things are going to happen this year, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us!

Four A.M. comes around pretty early, so I'd better sign off now to get things ready for tomorrow. I'm praying that it's better than today!

Friday, August 17, 2007

a bright spot in a dismal day

The children invade Monday....start praying....our internal theme for this year is: Together, We Can Beat Them!

(If you've ever met any of my "children" you'd understand our internal faculty motto.)

On a brighter note, after a completely horrendous day today, I arrived home to find a copy of Camy Tang's new book Sushi For One? waiting on my doorstep! If you haven't subscribed to Camy's newsletter, you're missing out. Check out her blog for more information. She's hilarious and definitely my kind of girl! I was able to read part of chapter one through the Zondervan daily book excerpts and I can't wait to get started on the book!



Here's a link to when Camy received her author copies of the book...


I'll let you know more when I finish the book! TTFN!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

In case you need a laugh today like I do....

I received this email from one of my friends today. I do have to warn you though...if you don't live in Florida, you won't get it.

You know you're a Floridian if....

Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70 is chilly.

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly, but pull over for a funeral.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You could swim before you could read.

You have to drive north to get to The South.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread lovebug season.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.

You know what a snowbird is and you hate them.

You know why flamingos are pink.

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty small.

You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.

"Down South" means Key West

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church.
No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and February.

Anything under 95 is just warm.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides. (Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Ichnatucknee, Withlacoochee, and Thonotosassa.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, Nascar, Go Gators, and a confederate flag.

You were 5 before you realized they made houses without pools.

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You get angry when people say "Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!

You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba".

Sunday, August 12, 2007

What I Did Over My Summer Vacation

Yes, I'm back at my "real" job now and have been sitting in meetings discussing how we're going to improve our school's grade, (The real screaming begins tomorrow.) and how we're going to reach our kids who don't want to succeed. (Um, how can we make kids do something they don't want to do?) In any case, I've been meeting with our English teachers, and invariably the topic came up about having the students write about what they did over their summer vacation...(I always hated that assignment)
As a tribute to teachers and our students everywhere, here's my attempt at that oh so cliched essay....


As usual, I try to set goals during my summer vacation so that I feel like I've accomplished something other than sitting on my rear becoming one with the television. My goals for this summer were:
1) Read the 60-plus books I checked out of our school's library so that I could read them BEFORE the kids stole them this coming year.

2) Clean out my storage area/shoebox apartment of items that have never seen the light of day--despite the fact that I just had to have them when I brought them home with me.

3) Have a garage sale to get rid of said items so that I could actually have a little spending cash to use for playtime this summer.

4) Read all of the new books being released this summer.

5) Scrapbook all of the "little projects" that I have waiting in bags around the shoebox apartment to clear off some room in the bookcases, corners, and closet.

6) RELAX! (Meaning--no alarm clock and sitting by the pool since the beaches are insane during the summer months.)


Needless to say, I did not accomplish one goal of mine this summer. For those of you that know me, this is a complete and utter failure, and I've been battling with considering myself a failure for not accomplishing this goal. In order to do this, I've had to look back and consider the reasons why I did not complete what I set out to complete.

Here's a brief (Ha!) listing of the things I did accomplish or had to work through this summer:

1. Teaching my mother scrapbooking techniques so that she can start working on her mounds of pictures.

2. Going the see Pirates of the Caribbean III with my friend April and her parents.

3. Going to the dentist for the initial exam--especially since I haven't been to the dentist in two years. (Hey--I've been moving a lot!)

4. Read Maximum Ride 3 by James Patterson.

5. Getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist. (Good news: He said my teeth were perfect! He also argued with me that I had to have had braces when I was younger in order for my teeth to be straight--I've never had braces and always felt left out when my friends had them when I was younger because I wanted the cool wax stuff and the mini rubber bands too. My dentist thinks I'm lying.)

6. Working at pH-Farms setting up another 10 acres for trees. I think we only worked about 22 days, but they were grueling 8-14 hour days in the extreme heat of Florida--with NO shade!

7. Creating the website for pH-Farms. (I REALLY need to update it and make it more presentable....I'm working on it.)

8. Started a mini scrapbook of all of the cats I've owned in my life and watched Disney movies on the computer while working.

9. Worked at the local Scrapbooking store as they were setting up for a huge trade show.

10. Watched my older niece's Final School Program and Awards Night in which she was presented with the award for A Servant's Heart. We proceeded to have a Slumber Party with just the two of us and Madison.

11. My niece and I then visited my parents as hey were at Innisbrook for a tree convention. We went swimming, had a BBQ at Sunset Park, and then crashed on the fold-out bed before I took her home the next day.

12. My friend April took me on a shopping spree at Westshore Mall to get ready for a job interview with a local college. We were at the mall for over 5 HOURS! I HATE SHOPPING!

13. Interviewed with the local college, found out they wanted to hire me for more than evening classes and had to turn them down since I need insurance and would have had to take more classes while teaching at the college level. I also had lunch with one of my friends that works at the college at a great little tea house in Dade City. I also visited my grandma on the way home from the interview to see how she's doing and to see how the renovations were going on my Aunt's garage apartment.

14. My carpets were cleaned in the shoebox since, for the first time in my life I am not moving, and resigned my lease!

15. Had lunch with April at M.J. Barley Hoppers so she could de-brief me about her interview with another school in the district. I also saw several gorgeous guys--one of which my mouth dropped open when I saw him. (Yep--it was an attractive look for me.)

16. Planned a surprise birthday party for my Mom with my dad and my aunt.

17. Took my family out for lunch at Outback for Father's Day. (My grandfather threatened to chase me around the restaurant if I didn't give him the bill, but I run faster than he does!)

18. Blogged about some of my adventures. (See the highlighted numbers in this post for links.)

19. Met with the other HASLMS (Hillsborough Association of School Library Media Specialists) Board members at Barnes and Noble to discuss this coming year's events. (I was voted in as the Treasurer this year--more on that later.)

20.
Rushed from pH-Farms with my dad to see my Mom who was admitted into the hospital while we were working. (My mom does NOT go to the hospital for anything, so we knew it was serious if she went.) She was diagnosed with Vertigo--although we later found out that her blood pressure rising caused the vertigo to kick in. She was out from work several days because she was still so dizzy and drugged up from the hospital.

21. Brought my Mom food to check on her after being in the hospital. I also introduced her to my friend April, since April and I were going to hang out at the movies. (I think Mom was so drugged that she doesn't really remember meeting her--oh well.)

22.
Watched the new Nancy Drew movie with April at our local theatre. (If you're a Nancy Drew fan--you'll be disappointed.)

23. Converged with family to hear about my cousins and their antics when they went to Europe. (I'm STILL jealous!)

24. Met with last year's HASLMS Treasurer at Borders to go over monthly reports and books.

25. Tried to calm my parents down after their house was broken in to during broad daylight!

26. Spent the 4th of July at my grandma's house having lunch with my grandparents and my aunt, as well as helping plan logistics of garage apartment and planning for the craft room area.

27. Called the car insurance company about a discount they were offering for people who have graduated from college. (It's not offered for residents in the state of Florida and was accidentally mailed to me---GRRRRR......)

28. Helped my aunt go shopping for a brand new computer system and an all-in-one printer. She found one within 3 hours AND it's better than mine! (Her old system was built over 13 years ago...)

29. Met with HASLMS Committees to plan out our Professional Day on August 14. (Somehow I was nominated to plan everything and other people will just help. GRRRRR...)

30. Went to cell phone carrier and complained about being charged overage minutes when I've NEVER gone over before. Changed my cell phone plan to include more minutes.

31. Took my computer back to Computer Corner since the CD/DVD drive as not being read by the computer--again. The really tall guy checked it out and saw that I have a loose wire strip in my tower. He also showed me how to "fix" it next time. (This happens every time I move my computer around.)

32. Brought my oldest niece to my shoebox to spend the night and go swimming the next day! When even watched some great movies and cooked lunch and breakfast!

33. Went to the midnight release Of Harry Potter #7 at Borders.

34. Read Harry Potter #7 within 24 hours! (A new record for me.)

35. Watched Harry Potter #5 at the theatre with April and her parents. (I actually like this movie better than the book....hmmmmm....great director!)

36. Met with one of my former students from TEXAS and her parents to go over schooling choices in this county. They just moved over here and are overwhelmed by the choices of schools. (Abilene only had 2 high schools...we have over 20!)

37. Joined a Weight-Loss program and went over the kit information for diet and exercise. It's a complete lifestyle change and is supposed to really work. (Where have we heard that before?)

38. Helped my Aunt move into her garage apartment. (She actually hired a moving company, but she was really worried about this move and so I went over to keep her from freaking out over all of the little details.)

39. Waited in anticipation of having a double recliner "couch" being delivered from my grandma's house to my shoebox by the same moving company that moved my aunt. I have a couch now! (I haven't had one in over 5 years--it's always been the floor. Madison's excited over her new scratching post too.)

40. Hooked up my aunt's computer system so that she could get Verizon's FIOS Internet. (It's SO much faster than Bright House's Broadband--I'm jealous!)

41. Got a haircut--finally!

42. Got a pedicure! I LOVE Nadine! She even gave me a foot massage. I had VERY happy feet (until I went to work at pH-Farms the next day--bye-bye pedicure)!

43. Met with my friend Adrienne for breakfast at First Watch. We try to get together More often since she moved back from Illinois and I moved back from Texas, but it seems to work out where we only see each other about every 6 months. (Great food at First Watch!)

44. Went to dinner with my sister and my youngest niece from Washington!

45. Celebrated my youngest niece's birthday at The Florida Aquarium--she's three now and VERY mature for her age! (I think she's going into acting because she has lines from movies memorized verbatim--even obscure lines and she just turned 3!)

46. Read Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer. I tried to listen to the soundtrack on her website as I read, but I guess everyone else in the world did the same thing so it was down. Oh well--it was kind of a bittersweet book. I know she plans to write Edward's story next, but I don't really care about his life. Maybe because I'm still trying to come to terms with this book...I don't know.

47. Went to a workshop on How to Teach within 50 minutes instead of 90. Okay, so I really went because I was getting paid for it, but I did get to meet some of the new teachers and I was able to catch up on all of the latest gossip from my friends.

48. Gave a brief library orientation to the new teachers at our school. I was supposed to be giving tours around campus and my counter-part giving the orientation, but she wasn't available so I had to do it. (Nothing like finding these things out at the last minute....oh well, I'll get to hand them things later.)

49. Checking in with Panera and trying to collect orders from ALL of the Media Specialists in our county. The deadline was this past Friday, although I found out Thursday afternoon that the Tech Specialists were invited too, so I had to rush invite them on Friday and I've been collecting orders for what seems like hours! AHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (At least it will be over on Tuesday!)

50. Putting out the fire that my dryer decided to try and cause LATE one Friday evening. Great--now I have to figure out how to do laundry without the dryer because I need clean underwear! Grrrrrrrrrr......anyone know any dryer repair people in this area? (Would it be cheaper to just buy a new one?)



As you can see from my list, I've been a little busy this summer. While I didn't accomplish the things on my original list, I did do something that was even more important--cultivated relationships. I also read most of the newly released books, so I guess I almost finished one goal. Cest la vie!

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Happy August 1st!



It is AUGUST 1st, time for the FIRST Day Blog Tour! (Join our alliance! Click the button!) The FIRST day of every month we will feature an author and his/her latest book's FIRST chapter!



This month's feature author(s) are:






and their book:



BAD IDEA a novel (with coyotes)

(NavPress TH1NK Books, August 22, 2006)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR(s):


Todd and Jedd Hafer previously teamed up to write Snickers from the Front Pew: Confessions of Two Preacher's Kids, which has now sold more than fifty thousand units.

Todd is editorial director for the inspirational book division at Hallmark Cards in Kansas City, Missouri.

Jedd is director at The Children's Ark in Colorado Springs, Colorado, a home for troubled teens, and travels the country as a standup comedian.

Visit them at their website.

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:


Chapter 1

“We should totally drive!” Rhonda said, wagging a limp french fry for emphasis.

I clenched my teeth. I hate it when adults try to talk like teenagers. Rhonda does it all the time. Her efforts are particularly grating to me because she does, in fact, employ the teen vernacular, but always, always at least one season too late.

Thus, my father’s 28-year-old fiancée didn’t say “Congratulations!” when I was inducted into Quill & Scroll (the National Honor Society for high school journalists) early in my senior year. She said, “Big ups to you, G!” And when I was named Honorable Mention All-Area in track and field (small-school division), she didn’t say “Way to go!” She said, “Big respect, G-Man! You got the mad wheels, homey!”

If she says, “I’m feelin’ you, dawg,” during one more of our Dad-initiated dinnertime theological discussions, I’m going to puke on her shoes.

Fortunately for Rhonda, and all of the people at the Big Bear Diner on the night the road trip was conceived, I didn’t barf when she said, “We should totally drive!” I raised my eyes to the ceiling and said, “I don’t think we should totally drive. I don’t even think we should partially drive.”

I looked across the booth to my dad to accept the disapproving glare I knew he would be offering. I smiled at him. It was my infuriating, smug smile. I practice it in the bathroom mirror. It’s so irritating that when I see my reflection doing it, I want to punch myself in the face.

My dad didn’t hit me. That wasn’t his style. He just nibbled his bottom lip for a while before saying calmly, “I think we should give the idea due consideration rather than reject it out of hand.”

“Okay,” I said, sipping my bitter iced tea, “let’s hear why we should cram ourselves into a car and drive for, what, three or four days to Southern California, stomping on each other’s raw nerves all along the way and probably breaking down somewhere near the Kansas-Colorado border. Or maybe getting in a wreck.”

Rhonda looked at my dad, giving him her Wounded Face, all droopy eyes and puckered chin and poofed-out lower lip. You know the look.

He looked at her, then at me. “Griffin, please . . .”

“Okay, okay, okay—you’re right, you guys. Yeah, you know, now that I consider The Rhonda Eccles-Someday-To-Be-Smith Plan carefully, it’s sounding better. I mean, why would I want to enjoy a quick, economical, and stress-free flight when we could all cram into a tired old vehicle and drive? Let’s go with the option that means more time, more money, more risks, more headaches.”

Rhonda tried to smile, but she couldn’t get the corners of her tiny heart-shaped mouth to curl upward. “Well,” she said quietly, “I just thought it would be bomb to make a road trip of it. See the country. Stop at mom-and-pop diners, like the Big Bear here. Maybe spend a day in Denver—hit an amusement park or catch a Rockies game. Griff, please be more open-minded. Think of the time it would give us to kick it.”

“We talk now,” I observed.

“Yessss,” she said, drawing the word out as though it had sprung a slow leak. She wrapped her long, slender fingers around her coffee mug and took a sip. “But in the car, you wouldn’t be able to run away from the convo whenever it got too intense for you.”

I pushed my chair back from the table and popped up like a piece of toast. I was ready to wad my napkin and spike it like a football on the table before marching out of the Big Bear. Then, only a half second before the Great Napkin Spike, I realized that would be proving her point.

Rhonda was studying me. I scrolled my mind for options on saving face, because since she had unofficially joined our family, I had lost more face than Michael Jackson. But I scrolled in vain. My brain was nothing but blank screen.

Now other patrons were watching me too. I could feel their stares. An idea began to emerge. It wasn’t a good idea, but it was all I had, so I went with it. I said, with an air of dignified indignation, “Well, I’m going back to the buffet for another muffin. Would anybody else care for one?”

This is why I’ll never be a politician, a courtroom litigator, a public speaker—or a success in anything that requires more than a modicum of human interaction. I have my moments, but rarely can I think on my feet when I’m around people. Half the time, I can’t think off of ’em either. Maybe this is why track is the only sport I’m good at. All you must do is keep alternating left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and turn left every once in a while. I found football and basketball too taxing mentally. They say Larry Bird was a hoops legend because he could foresee plays unfolding before they actually happened. So he always executed the perfect pass, put himself in position for nearly every rebound, stole inbounds passes at will. The game didn’t take him by surprise. Not the case with me. I played organized basketball in junior high and the first two years of high school. And every time I got a jump shot swatted back in my face or ran into a hard pick, it was like a new, albeit unpleasant, experience. So I became a track man. I run the 1600 and 3200 meters—that’s the mile and two-mile for those of you still holding strong in the anti-metric resistance.

I should note that I’m also adequate in cross-country. I often panic before races, though, because many of the courses are complicated. Even after reading the maps posted near the starting line, I don’t understand where I’ll be going. And you know those diagrams at big malls, the ones that assure that YOU ARE HERE? I study them, stare at them. Then I look around the actual mall and become convinced that the diagram has no concept of where I am. The diagram is mighty presumptuous, if not outright cruel and dishonest. How can it purport to know where I am? Half the time, I don’t know that myself.

Luckily, at a mall I can always find some low-rise-jeans-wearing Mall Girls to lead me to the Food Court, and in cross-country I can follow the other runners. If I’d ever lead a race, I’d be in trouble, but this was never a problem in four years of high school, so there’s no chance it will be a problem in college. Assuming I can even make the team. Sure, I did receive one of Lewis College’s supposedly prestigious Scholar/Athlete scholarships, but I suspect it was part of some Be Kind to Kansas White Boys quota system. I’m not convinced I won’t fold like a beach chair during my first college race—or first final exam.

Anyway, I give Rhonda credit (or in Rhonda-speak, “mad props”) for not snort-laughing at my pathetic muffin excuse. She said she could “totally go for another blueberry” and smiled at me as I left the table.

When I returned, she waited as I carefully peeled the pale yellow corrugated paper away from my muffin, then hers, being careful not to break off the stumps. I hate when that happens. Destroys the integrity of the muffin.

“Before you dis the driving idea,” Rhonda said after buttering her muffin, “there’s something you should know.”

I looked at her and arched my eyebrows.

“I talked to Cole yesterday. He’s totally down with the plan. We can drop him off at Boulder on the way to So-Cal. Think of the time you guys will have together. You’ll really be able to kick it, ya know.”

I nodded toward my little brother. “What about Colby?”

“Yeah,” he said, wiping chocolate milk from his upper lip with his shirtsleeve. “What about me?”

“You’ll stay at Aunt Nicole’s crib in Topeka, my little dude,” Rhonda said cheerfully.

Colby crinkled his nose. “Crib? I’m not a stinkin’ baby! I’m five. I won’t sleep in a crib!”

“Her house,” I clarified for Colby. “‘Crib’ is what they call houses back in da ’hood where Rhonda is from. Rural Wisconsin.”

“Oh,” Colby said.

I looked to Dad for a scowl again, but he was busy patting Rhonda’s hand and whispering reassurance to her.

“I’m just kidding, Rhonda,” I said without looking at her. “Don’t get all sentimental. Hey, it was a good idea to call Cole. And if he’s ‘down widdit,’ so am I.”

Rhonda’s eyes were moist, but now they were shining-hopeful moist, not somber-moist. “So it’s a road trip then?” she said.

I sighed. It sounded like one of my dad’s sighs. Too long and too loud. Heaven help me. “Sure,” I said, “why not.”

I was quiet on the drive home. All I could think of was how I was going to talk Cole out of the trip. First, of course, I’d need to find something to calm myself down so I wouldn’t go Rant City on him. He tends to shut down when I do that. I hoped I hadn’t exhausted my supply of vodka, that I still had a bottle or two tucked away in my sock drawer. Otherwise I’d have to resort to NyQuil and Peppermint Artificial Flavoring again. And let me tell you, that’s a rough way to get yourself mellow. (Of course, it does provide the side benefits of the clearest nasal passages and freshest breath in town.)

***

“What kind of Midwest mojo did Rhonda use on you?” I asked Cole as soon as I heard his flat “Hullo?” on the other end of the phone line. “A road trip with my dad and his cliché? I mean, this is a joke, right?”

I watched the seconds morph by on my LCD watch. After eighteen of them passed, Cole said, “You need to relax, dude. The trip will be cool. It’s more time together before we have to go our separate ways. And it’s a real road trip—not just some one-day, there-and-back thing. We’ve always talked about doing something like this, remember? To be honest, I thought you’d be all over this thing.”

“But this isn’t a normal thing, Sharp. This isn’t going to St. Louis to see the Cardinals at Busch, before they tore it down, with a bunch of guys from school. There is a bona fide adult in the equation—one-point-five if you count Rhonda. So it’s no longer a road trip; it’s a chaperoned ordeal. You understand that there will be no hard music on the CD player? No Hatebreed. No Gwar. Dad listens to only classical and old-school rock. And Rhonda likes those guys who are like twenty years old but sing like sixty-year-old opera stars. That crap freaks me out, man. And there will be no mooning busloads of girls’ volleyball teams along the way.”

“It’s not volleyball season yet,” Cole said. This was no attempt at a snappy retort on his part. The way he said it, he was just pointing out a fact, such as, “Augusta is the capital of Maine.”

I sensed I was losing the argument. “You won’t be able belch in the car, or swear. My dad ‘abhors profanity.’ You know that.” I wondered if I sounded as shrill and desperate as I felt.

“His ride, his rules. Besides, you like old-school rock, and it’s kinda starting to grow on me.”

“Okay, but consider this: Before we go, my dad will make us circle up and hold hands while he blesses the stupid SUV before the trip. And since we’ll probably have to rent one of those small trailers to haul all our stuff, he’ll probably get on a roll and bless that, too: ‘Father God, please bless this little U-Haul and all of its contents.’ Those words probably have never been uttered in the history of the English language. And he’ll make a plea for ‘traveling mercies.’ Traveling mercies! That sounds like the name of a really bad folk-rock group. Are you understanding how all of this is going to go down?”

“Praying for our trip—I’m cool with that.”

“Did you hear me say we’ll have to hold hands?”

“Dude, I would hold hands with Rhonda any day. She’s a fly honey.”

“What about me? Or my dad?”

“The team held hands in football huddles all the time. It’s only a problem if you’re insecure in your masculinity.”

I did my involuntary Dad-sigh again. “Okay, man. I guess it’s on, then.”

It’s on, then? I wagged my head in disbelief. That was something Rhonda would say. I don’t talk like that.

Thus, my father’s 28-year-old fiancée didn’t say “Congratulations!” when I was inducted into Quill & Scroll (the National Honor Society for high school journalists) early in my senior year. She said, “Big ups to you, G!” And when I was named Honorable Mention All-Area in track and field (small-school division), she didn’t say “Way to go!” She said, “Big respect, G-Man! You got the mad wheels, homey!”

If she says, “I’m feelin’ you, dawg,” during one more of our Dad-initiated dinnertime theological discussions, I’m going to puke on her shoes.

Fortunately for Rhonda, and all of the people at the Big Bear Diner on the night the road trip was conceived, I didn’t barf when she said, “We should totally drive!” I raised my eyes to the ceiling and said, “I don’t think we should totally drive. I don’t even think we should partially drive.”

I looked across the booth to my dad to accept the disapproving glare I knew he would be offering. I smiled at him. It was my infuriating, smug smile. I practice it in the bathroom mirror. It’s so irritating that when I see my reflection doing it, I want to punch myself in the face.

My dad didn’t hit me. That wasn’t his style. He just nibbled his bottom lip for a while before saying calmly, “I think we should give the idea due consideration rather than reject it out of hand.”

“Okay,” I said, sipping my bitter iced tea, “let’s hear why we should cram ourselves into a car and drive for, what, three or four days to Southern California, stomping on each other’s raw nerves all along the way and probably breaking down somewhere near the Kansas-Colorado border. Or maybe getting in a wreck.”

Rhonda looked at my dad, giving him her Wounded Face, all droopy eyes and puckered chin and poofed-out lower lip. You know the look.

He looked at her, then at me. “Griffin, please . . .”

“Okay, okay, okay—you’re right, you guys. Yeah, you know, now that I consider The Rhonda Eccles-Someday-To-Be-Smith Plan carefully, it’s sounding better. I mean, why would I want to enjoy a quick, economical, and stress-free flight when we could all cram into a tired old vehicle and drive? Let’s go with the option that means more time, more money, more risks, more headaches.”

Rhonda tried to smile, but she couldn’t get the corners of her tiny heart-shaped mouth to curl upward. “Well,” she said quietly, “I just thought it would be bomb to make a road trip of it. See the country. Stop at mom-and-pop diners, like the Big Bear here. Maybe spend a day in Denver—hit an amusement park or catch a Rockies game. Griff, please be more open-minded. Think of the time it would give us to kick it.”

“We talk now,” I observed.

“Yessss,” she said, drawing the word out as though it had sprung a slow leak. She wrapped her long, slender fingers around her coffee mug and took a sip. “But in the car, you wouldn’t be able to run away from the convo whenever it got too intense for you.”

I pushed my chair back from the table and popped up like a piece of toast. I was ready to wad my napkin and spike it like a football on the table before marching out of the Big Bear. Then, only a half second before the Great Napkin Spike, I realized that would be proving her point.

Rhonda was studying me. I scrolled my mind for options on saving face, because since she had unofficially joined our family, I had lost more face than Michael Jackson. But I scrolled in vain. My brain was nothing but blank screen.

Now other patrons were watching me too. I could feel their stares. An idea began to emerge. It wasn’t a good idea, but it was all I had, so I went with it. I said, with an air of dignified indignation, “Well, I’m going back to the buffet for another muffin. Would anybody else care for one?”

This is why I’ll never be a politician, a courtroom litigator, a public speaker—or a success in anything that requires more than a modicum of human interaction. I have my moments, but rarely can I think on my feet when I’m around people. Half the time, I can’t think off of ’em either. Maybe this is why track is the only sport I’m good at. All you must do is keep alternating left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and turn left every once in a while. I found football and basketball too taxing mentally. They say Larry Bird was a hoops legend because he could foresee plays unfolding before they actually happened. So he always executed the perfect pass, put himself in position for nearly every rebound, stole inbounds passes at will. The game didn’t take him by surprise. Not the case with me. I played organized basketball in junior high and the first two years of high school. And every time I got a jump shot swatted back in my face or ran into a hard pick, it was like a new, albeit unpleasant, experience. So I became a track man. I run the 1600 and 3200 meters—that’s the mile and two-mile for those of you still holding strong in the anti-metric resistance.

I should note that I’m also adequate in cross-country. I often panic before races, though, because many of the courses are complicated. Even after reading the maps posted near the starting line, I don’t understand where I’ll be going. And you know those diagrams at big malls, the ones that assure that YOU ARE HERE? I study them, stare at them. Then I look around the actual mall and become convinced that the diagram has no concept of where I am. The diagram is mighty presumptuous, if not outright cruel and dishonest. How can it purport to know where I am? Half the time, I don’t know that myself.

Luckily, at a mall I can always find some low-rise-jeans-wearing Mall Girls to lead me to the Food Court, and in cross-country I can follow the other runners. If I’d ever lead a race, I’d be in trouble, but this was never a problem in four years of high school, so there’s no chance it will be a problem in college. Assuming I can even make the team. Sure, I did receive one of Lewis College’s supposedly prestigious Scholar/Athlete scholarships, but I suspect it was part of some Be Kind to Kansas White Boys quota system. I’m not convinced I won’t fold like a beach chair during my first college race—or first final exam.

Anyway, I give Rhonda credit (or in Rhonda-speak, “mad props”) for not snort-laughing at my pathetic muffin excuse. She said she could “totally go for another blueberry” and smiled at me as I left the table.

When I returned, she waited as I carefully peeled the pale yellow corrugated paper away from my muffin, then hers, being careful not to break off the stumps. I hate when that happens. Destroys the integrity of the muffin.

“Before you dis the driving idea,” Rhonda said after buttering her muffin, “there’s something you should know.”

I looked at her and arched my eyebrows.

“I talked to Cole yesterday. He’s totally down with the plan. We can drop him off at Boulder on the way to So-Cal. Think of the time you guys will have together. You’ll really be able to kick it, ya know.”

I nodded toward my little brother. “What about Colby?”

“Yeah,” he said, wiping chocolate milk from his upper lip with his shirtsleeve. “What about me?”

“You’ll stay at Aunt Nicole’s crib in Topeka, my little dude,” Rhonda said cheerfully.

Colby crinkled his nose. “Crib? I’m not a stinkin’ baby! I’m five. I won’t sleep in a crib!”

“Her house,” I clarified for Colby. “‘Crib’ is what they call houses back in da ’hood where Rhonda is from. Rural Wisconsin.”

“Oh,” Colby said.

I looked to Dad for a scowl again, but he was busy patting Rhonda’s hand and whispering reassurance to her.

“I’m just kidding, Rhonda,” I said without looking at her. “Don’t get all sentimental. Hey, it was a good idea to call Cole. And if he’s ‘down widdit,’ so am I.”

Rhonda’s eyes were moist, but now they were shining-hopeful moist, not somber-moist. “So it’s a road trip then?” she said.

I sighed. It sounded like one of my dad’s sighs. Too long and too loud. Heaven help me. “Sure,” I said, “why not.”

I was quiet on the drive home. All I could think of was how I was going to talk Cole out of the trip. First, of course, I’d need to find something to calm myself down so I wouldn’t go Rant City on him. He tends to shut down when I do that. I hoped I hadn’t exhausted my supply of vodka, that I still had a bottle or two tucked away in my sock drawer. Otherwise I’d have to resort to NyQuil and Peppermint Artificial Flavoring again. And let me tell you, that’s a rough way to get yourself mellow. (Of course, it does provide the side benefits of the clearest nasal passages and freshest breath in town.)

***

“What kind of Midwest mojo did Rhonda use on you?” I asked Cole as soon as I heard his flat “Hullo?” on the other end of the phone line. “A road trip with my dad and his cliché? I mean, this is a joke, right?”

I watched the seconds morph by on my LCD watch. After eighteen of them passed, Cole said, “You need to relax, dude. The trip will be cool. It’s more time together before we have to go our separate ways. And it’s a real road trip—not just some one-day, there-and-back thing. We’ve always talked about doing something like this, remember? To be honest, I thought you’d be all over this thing.”

“But this isn’t a normal thing, Sharp. This isn’t going to St. Louis to see the Cardinals at Busch, before they tore it down, with a bunch of guys from school. There is a bona fide adult in the equation—one-point-five if you count Rhonda. So it’s no longer a road trip; it’s a chaperoned ordeal. You understand that there will be no hard music on the CD player? No Hatebreed. No Gwar. Dad listens to only classical and old-school rock. And Rhonda likes those guys who are like twenty years old but sing like sixty-year-old opera stars. That crap freaks me out, man. And there will be no mooning busloads of girls’ volleyball teams along the way.”

“It’s not volleyball season yet,” Cole said. This was no attempt at a snappy retort on his part. The way he said it, he was just pointing out a fact, such as, “Augusta is the capital of Maine.”

I sensed I was losing the argument. “You won’t be able belch in the car, or swear. My dad ‘abhors profanity.’ You know that.” I wondered if I sounded as shrill and desperate as I felt.

“His ride, his rules. Besides, you like old-school rock, and it’s kinda starting to grow on me.”

“Okay, but consider this: Before we go, my dad will make us circle up and hold hands while he blesses the stupid SUV before the trip. And since we’ll probably have to rent one of those small trailers to haul all our stuff, he’ll probably get on a roll and bless that, too: ‘Father God, please bless this little U-Haul and all of its contents.’ Those words probably have never been uttered in the history of the English language. And he’ll make a plea for ‘traveling mercies.’ Traveling mercies! That sounds like the name of a really bad folk-rock group. Are you understanding how all of this is going to go down?”

“Praying for our trip—I’m cool with that.”

“Did you hear me say we’ll have to hold hands?”

“Dude, I would hold hands with Rhonda any day. She’s a fly honey.”

“What about me? Or my dad?”

“The team held hands in football huddles all the time. It’s only a problem if you’re insecure in your masculinity.”

I did my involuntary Dad-sigh again. “Okay, man. I guess it’s on, then.”

It’s on, then? I wagged my head in disbelief. That was something Rhonda would say. I don’t talk like that.



Now I must admit, I haven't had a chance to read this book yet, but it is definitely on my list! Just from the short excerpt, it sounds completely hilarious! Check BAD IDEA a novel (with coyotes) out for yourself and we'll compare notes!