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| http://stillstandingmag.com/2016/06/international-bereaved-mothers-day/ |
I first became away of this day through a former co-worker who lost her child before birth. I grieved with her through the distance and I watch the amazing things that have come out of her grief through the foundation established as a result of her loss. Never did I think that I would be joining this day of remembrance.
Only our mothers, doctors, and a couple of my current co-workers knew that we were walking through this same heart-break earlier this year. It was such a nightmare, and despite all of the tears that I'm shedding as I attempt to type, I think it's finally time for me to share our story of loss.
I found out in January that I was pregnant. Definitely not planned, and quite a surprise given that neither of us thought we could conceive, but a miracle blessing. I went to my PCP a few days after my home test to confirm and she was so happy for us. I was completely inundated with information and overwhelmed, but excited and trying to figure out how best to tell Handsome Uber Marine.
I decided to meet him after work at the place where we had our first date. He actually beat me there, but I was still able to let the staff in on the news and what I was about to tell him--they were excited as well.
Handsome Uber marine asked me why I had a gift bag and I told it was a present for him because I had been so moody lately (pregnancy hormones are no joke) but that I would give it to him afterwards because it was a little personal. He just nodded and we shared about our days.
After he had eaten, I finally gave him the gift bag to open and to say he was shocked is an understatement. He even had to read the card twice before it actually sank in. We. Were. Pregnant. About 4 weeks along.
The next couple of days were a blur as we tried to decide how to tell our mothers because Handsome Uber Marine is incapable of keeping a secret. We finally decided to take them out the following Friday to dinner under the guise of Valentine's Day since it was just around the corner. We scoured Pinterest and decided to give them a cute little birthday announcement with the September 30 potential due date. Sadly, on Wednesday of that week, I started bleeding heavily and went to the ER.
After hours of waiting to be called back, they determined that I might be having a miscarriage, but to talk to my OBGYN and she could keep track of my levels, etc. Of course everyone there kept telling me about how they had a miscarriage and now have x number of kids living healthy lives. There were even pictures shown to me to try and give me hope. It just made me pray harder to keep "Jellybean."
On the Friday we were supposed to meet our mothers for dinner, we managed to get an appointment with the OBGYN for the first time. She was not as sympathetic as I had hoped, but she did confirm that I was having a miscarriage and that we would just have to wait it out. "But don't stress out about it." (Yeah, I wanted to punch her. I'm losing my child, but I shouldn't stress out about it--right.) She told me to go back to the doctor in a couple of days since they could test my HCG levels again and that I would becoming into the office every couple of days for blood work and to test my levels to make sure they were dropping adequately.
We went through this nightmare for weeks. Me, bleeding heavily, praying that Jellybean would just hold on because I had been told that some people bleed during their first trimester, especially if this is their first child and they're of "advanced maternal age." Finally, after all of the ultrasounds and blood work, they still couldn't find Jellybean and had decided that Jellybean was gone. On Valentine's Day no less, the OBGYN told me to either schedule surgery to have the remains sucked out or to take a pill and continue bleeding with really bad cramps. I figured I had lasted this long with cramps and bleeding that a while longer wouldn't hurt.
Handsome Uber Marine and I continue to grieve the loss of our child. The miracle blessing that God decided to raise for us. And while we won't know the why until we meet Him one day, we both rest knowing that we are able to have kids and will try when we are ready. We have hope.
There will be some that will say that God is punishing us because we're not married yet and living together. While others will blame it on me, my stress levels, my health... (I only mention these because they are the hurtful things that family members have already said.)
All I can say is, I don't wish this nightmare or heart-ache on anyone. And if you've been suffering through the loss of your child too--I understand, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you for letting me remember my little one, even though our time together was brief.
